THE LIMERICAL CYNICIST


 
 

Thoughts about our lives and times
Coming out as little rhymes
 
 



When Ohio had a great flood
It left their land covered by mud
Billy Graham told a Quaker
A literal muck-raker
"You got what I promised you, Bud

You've seen how Gods' vengeance begins
You're lucky you still have your skins
Your "Society of Friends"
Has come to these ends
In payment for your many sins!"



I was hurt in my pride
When a reader decried
My extravagant use of the comma
I was sad, I was mad-I wished that I had
The (long lost) comfort of Momma.
But then-aint life grand
"Comma Sense" came to hand
"I'll use it to educate me"
So I did, and it did, and you must understand
It might-somewhat-vindicate me.
In the future, perhaps,
When those critical chaps
Class me with grammatical simpletons
I'll reply "You've not heard?"
"You have used the wrong word!"
"Those things aren't commas
They're Pinkertons!!"

This was a personal e-mail to the author of the book


 I'LL BET OLD VAL HAD A GAL

May you and your special valentine
Be lucky as I have been with mine
If you now sip the heady wine
Of youth or tip the brimming stein
Of years remembered, the design
For life serene needs just this line
'' 'tis the loving makes the living fun-and fine''




Mary had a 38
Its clip held twenty rounds
When she had it in her back-pack
Her ego knew no bounds
Just let those snotty other girls
Shout "Mary's dumb and fat"
She'd simply smile and toss her curls
And blast them with her gat


She didn't even have to aim-
With all those bullets in it
It's just like a video game
Keep spraying slugs to win it


DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK?
 

You radar detector yells "cop"
So  speeding at once you will stop
And your kids will sure learn
How to act in their turn-
Evade the law, just like their Pop

Or you catch your lad puffing on pot
And you deal with it right on the spot
Though you know all along
That the law says it's wrong-
Obstruction of Justice, that's what

And if you truly are trying
To study man's penchant for lying
Madison Avenue
Has taught us all to do
Whatever will build up the buying

If you call someone else perjurious
It just might be self-injurious
On 1040 you whittle
Your taxes a little
And it makes you a felon most serious

To be "holier than thou" I won't try
We've all done such things, you and I
The point I would take
Is "the laws that we make
Are not just for the "other guy""

So I guess the question I'm preaching
Is should they, in fact, be impeaching
A man, like us all
Who may stumble and fall
But can still lead to goals worth reaching?




TRIAL OF THE SENSORY

The Senator's clock hangs high on the wall
It's hands move exceedingly slow
The poor politicians must stay in the hall
And be told things they already know
Tick-tock, Tick-tock
Can you blame them for slumb'ring
Tick-tock, Tick-tock
Through monotone numb'ring
Of Bill's sins,over again and again,boring us all




 

MEDICAL ALERT

Is there a shrink who can banish the gloom
In the GOP as they contemplate doom
Who can heal the blight
Called the radical right?
--Doctor Livingston,I presume!

!!!LATE UPDATE
The doctor wouldn't take the case
Perhaps 'twas more than he could face
But all is not lost
The House still may be bossed
By a man who has wisdom and grace

IT'S WORLD SERIOUS TIME AGAIN

I do love this biennial fall
When the pols use mud for a ball
To sling in their ads
At the other sides lads
And voters should believe them all
 

STARWARS(RERUN)

I see that the congress has stirred at last
And a budget bill is about to be passed
But there's something in it that needs attention
And thus far has had but passing mention
I'd like to know just why, oh why
Did they have to resurrect SDI?

It seemed that the world was truly blest
When, years ago, it was laid to rest
Now, a missile destroyer might be a great scheme
If there wasn't a dark side to the dream
It's fine for a chemical or bio warhead
But suppose it's a nuclear one instead?

For, no matter the method that is employed
Plutonium simply can not be destroyed
And if it's dispersed by the missiles' exploding
The ensuing scenario's filled with foreboding
Since there's probably enough in one ''missiles worth''
To eliminate all the life on earth

I admit my assumptions may well be in error
And SDI won't entail such terror
If this is so, convince me please
And help to put our minds at ease

Re:BILLS ILLS
 

Forgive our Bill-I guess I can
I'd do the same for any man
Whose apology was quite contrite
And he truly wished to do what's right
It's not my task his sins to purge
Or save him from that primal urge
It's tough enough to erase trespasses
That made all of us feel like asses

They say ''If he'd only had the guts to confess
We wouldn't have had this unholy mess''
But I think if he had laid bare his heart
The vultures would've had a much earlier start
And not even contrition for an amoral blunder
Would stop the self-righteous who'ld rip him asunder
So let's understand, if not condone
A mistaken attempt to protect his own


IT"S NOT TOO LATE TO PROGNOSTICATE

It looks like the next time that we have a choice
It will likely be Bush versus Gore
Between now and then all the pundits give voice
And we still won't be sure who we're for
But before it's all over, before we're all bored
Before the campaign begins
Gore will be bushed and Bush will be gored
And the media will air all their sins

CRUCIAL QUESTIONS

Is there intelligent life out there?
Who knows, but if those who really care
Are ever to know it is (sadly) clear
We must first have intelligent life down here.
If the ''anti-technology'' trend goes on
The day when that happens may never dawn
And the human race will be ''down the drain''
'cause we valued a ''spirit'' more than a brain.

If life's not there now it soon must be
Since the only hope for humanity
Is to make other homes for our burgeoning race
On suitable worlds (if we find some) in space
(We can't, or we won't, cease to propagate
So our one clear choice is to emigrate)
And ''Will we ever meet them?'' is answered thus
''If we do they will likely be some of us''

So, you see, The two questions are subtly intertwined
The answers to them both lie on paths defined
By decisions made today for the future of mankind.

ASTRAL RASCAL
 
 

Tinkle, tinkle Kenneth Starr
We're all learning what you are
'Tisn't justice that you fix on
But revenge for Richard Nixon

I've heard the tactics that you use
Are those ''good prosecutors'' choose
But if they need such tricks to score on
''Good prosecutor'' is an oxymoron

HIGH J(O)INKS

''The time has come'',the Congress said,''to speak of many things
Such as the lovely benefits Conservatism brings''
''And surely wealth will trickle down'' (as surely pigs have wings)
So the public did as it was bid, took bait and hook and line
And earned itself the ''trickle down'' from all those airborne swine

To you who hear the Walrus' songs in this poor allegory
Put credit where credit belongs, in Lewis Carroll's story


 

JUSTICE?

Contemplating capital punishment
From the humanist point of view
It seems we don't do what is meant
Or intended by law that we do
When a criminals life is thus ended
His suffering ends for all time
But his loved ones and those he's befriended
Must suffer for years for his crime
So I find I oppose execution
Since the innocent usually pay
For a barbaric solution
To societys will gone astray
Though the blood-lust of vengeance is sated
In the hearts of the righteous, it's odd
That that vengeance, biblically stated,
Has been stolen from Him they call God



AND GAIA SAID
Regard, oh human, your kinsman who
Once walked my lands as now you do
And has since returned to Mother Sea
To live with his kind in harmony
All he demands is just to be
Must he die to serve your vanity?
 
 

And when your time with me is through
When none but the gods are left to view
And recall the pain and misery
You've done to yourselves, and yes, to me
Then which, do you think, from the facts they see
They'll deem wisest, the whale, or thee?
AND GAIA WEPT



 

They're out to get the Internet

I know there must be regulations
And men must be governed by rules
But I find I have some reservations
When laws seem enacted by fools
Who, unwittingly perhaps, are led
To vote for bills they haven't read
That under strict interpretation
Criminalize the population
And even though our crimes be small
Thus nonsense doth make felons of us all!*

*Sorry Will
 

CIRCUS ACT?

Aha, I thought, the old pachyderm
Has tripped over his own trunk and flopped again
Still trying to spoil the Presidents term
With false accusations, but then--oh then
Surely they knew he had sold not one plot
At Arlington and their real plan was slyer
They'd make us dig up a fellow that got
His spot there by being a wonderful liar
And then when they fouled up themselves or the nation
They'd have a non-disprovable, pat explanation
Instead of admitting the blunders they've made
They could lay all the blame on the poor fellows shade
And all culpability, they'd simply eschew it
And say''the Ambassadors ghost made us do it''

NEED TOM, NOT CALM

On an earlier day I had something to say
On the ''Age Of Reason''s demise
But noting the way freedom's headed today
It seems no one deems Paine so wise
We again need a man who will and who can
Come to libertys aid and defense
And with wit and with wrath get us off of this path
Or soon we'll forsake ''Common Sense''

SCARY QUERY

Do you believe in the Holy Trinity
Then you must, of course, acknowledge infinity
For if there's an Infinite Being, I insist
A real infinity must therefore exist
And temporal infinity, you must logically find
Has to exist both before and behind
(and if matter and energy aren't really infinite
still ''universe'' consists of all of them in it)
And in infinite time every wave-particle
Has combined with every other such article
And these combinations, and these permutations
Have gone through infinite past gyrations
And it doesn't even need to be said
There's an infinite number lying ahead
So
If everything that will ever be--always was
And everything that ever was--is still to be
Then--if you acknowledge infinity
Why in the world do you need a Trinity


EERIE FUN AT 51

There are those who know but will never tell
What happened that day near to old Roswell
But with just a smidgeon of uncommon sense
We'll infer some facts from the evidence
Alien invaders on that ill-fated ship
Knowing they'd crash gave their bodies the slip
And for sanctuary these spirit forms hid
In that most secret room in the Great Pyramid
Their invasion of earth for a while put aside
They waited for years as their group multiplied
Then when they were ready, their war to begin
Took over the minds of once-sensible men
Who then using ''new speak'' to gain their dark ends
Conned millions of innocents into being their friends
But their rape of our planet will never succeed
If we just reject their deity-Greed
And the aliens will win if their ''truth'' we believe
And all become ''ultra-conservative''
So humans beware, for there's nowhere to run
The battle for earth has already begun!

RIGHT ON MAN! CRIED OLD CHAUVIN

O hear the sad saga of Lieutenant Flinn
Who must suffer for choosing too minor a sin
We taught her to murder, gave her and her crew
A killing machine called a B-52
And told her 'twas noble to rain death from above
Then condemned her for falling a victim of love
So all you accusers with noses so blue
I give you this challenge-I leave it to you
'Twixt masters of killers and lovers, pray tell
Which earns the most horrible sojourn in hell?
But 'twas not for loving you say she'd be tried
No, horror of horrors-the Lieutenant LIED
Now a really good liar could resign her commission
And become a renowned, career politician
Or perhaps to remain in the service she'd choose
As a General reporting the ''body count'' news
But instead she'll just suffer disgrace and chagrin
And that's the sad saga of Lieutenant Flinn

HELP WANTED

If your dogma is true then there must be a crew
Of celestials up past the sky
Whose sole occupation is to watch each conjugation
With a steady and unblinking eye
And their primary function, if any conjunction
Will surely result in an infant
Is to fulfill their role by injecting a soul
At the precisely appropriate instant
To accomplish this chore (which the angels abhor)
Needs watchers with peculiar taste
Who achieve satisfaction by just eyeing the action
And who won't make decisions in haste
So St. Pete will move you to the head of the queue
If you fit the above category
You will pass heavens gate with scarcely a wait
There's a shortage of voyeurs in Glory!

PISCATORIAL EDITORIAL

To attack ''Term Limits'' with daring
'Tis an onerous task they are sharing
But we know for a fact
It's a tongue-in-cheek act
And a whale-size monster red herring
It's an issue around which they're dancing
To distract us from campaign financing
If we stomp on the latter
The former won't matter
And democracy we'll be enhancing

RACE FOR THE RACE

A spermatozoan named Ernie
On approaching the end of his journey
Said ''Ovum your role
Is to bring the whole soul
'Cause I lost my half in the tourney!''

QUO VADIS

I envision events Ten thousand years hence--
Archaeologists dig up our traces
And try to resolve ''Did they really evolve
To the stature of other young races?''
And the answer they find From the clues to our kind
After study with zest and acumen
Will be read with some grief
And a sense of relief
And the scientists glad they're not human!

ON THE ASCENT(?) OF MAN

At the end of our headlong descent
There'll be no one to care where we went
The reason, I fear
Is abundantly clear-
Most homos refuse to be sapient!

They're out to get the Internet

I know there must be regulations
And men must be governed by rules
But I find I have some reservations
When laws seem enacted by fools
Who, unwittingly perhaps, are led
To vote for bills they haven't read
That under strict interpretation
Criminalize the population
And even though our crimes be small
Thus nonsense doth make felons of us all!*

*Sorry Will
 

FOR THE PEOPLE


Honest Abe was certainly no Fat Cat
Although he wore a Republican hat,
And I venture to say,
Were he with us today
He'd be a liberal Democrat!
 

PAINES PAIN

Old Tom Paine would be sorely offended
Could he see what he'd bravely defended.
He could tell at a glance,
That we've wasted our chance,
His great ''Age of Reason'' has ended.

TOOR-A-LEE KEEP IT FREE TOOR-A-LEE

In days of old, when knights were bold
And barons held their sway
The news was spread from the troubadors head
It was the safest way
Now times are new and knights are few
And the Internet's the path
The minstrels must choose to bring truth to the news
And avoid the barons wrath

AYE, AYE

In your very own fable, when Noah was able
To step off his yacht and enjoy it
The orders he heard
(And you claim it's the ''Word'')
Were ''replenish the earth''-not destroy it!

LET US SPRAY

When you speak of Man in the collective
(To deny this is just self-deceptive)
What the world needs today
In a most urgent way
Is a good aerosol contraceptive

AS I SAID

I won't always stick to the pure limerick
I've found I'm not bound by the norm
I'll write as I choose
And ignore the reviews
I'm searching for substance, not form

Come again to see what's new
I'll have another thought or two.